Valerie Bertinelli recently addressed the criticism she receives for posting about her late ex-husband, Eddie Van Halen, in a video message shared on Instagram. The statement came after she posted a tribute to the late Van Halen guitarist on the sixth anniversary of his death.
The message focused on the pushback Bertinelli says she faces whenever she shares memories of Van Halen. It also addressed the criticism she has described as coercive control.
“It does not take long for me to get a lot of pushback when I post a picture of me and Ed. Used to really bother me. It does not. Not any longer, because I learned a lot,” Bertinelli said.
She then explained what she meant by coercive control and how it operates without direct demands.
“For anybody that’s been through coercive control, you’ll understand what I’m about to say. And if you haven’t been through it, God bless you. You’re so lucky. So they never quite say the words, ‘You’re not allowed to love your ex-husband. That’s ridiculous. You can’t love him.’ No, they never quite say that. But they will berate you and berate you for months, make you think you’re crazy, until you finally say, ‘Okay, fine, I don’t love him,'” she continued.
Bertinelli described the pattern through further examples of how the pressure is applied indirectly.
“They will never say the words, ‘You cannot go to your son’s concert.’ But when you do, they will make that night miserable. They will never say, ‘Take that picture down, the one of your ex-husband, along with you and your son in better days.’ They’ll never say, ‘Take it down.’ But they are obsessed, say all kinds of f*cked up shit, until you take the picture down,” she said.
She went on to reflect on the toll of that experience and on her own resilience.
“Coercive control is insidious and it’s soul-breaking, and I cannot believe that I f*cking fell for it. But see, I learned a lot, and you can’t tell me how I feel. Nobody can tell you how you feel,” she said.
Bertinelli closed by describing the many people she holds in her heart, including Van Halen and her son.
“My heart can hold a lot of love. I have a big piece right here that’s got Ed’s name all over it, and Wolfie’s name, and my daughter-in-law, and my brother, and my cats, and my girlfriends, and all the people that I love in my life. My heart can hold it all, and if I ever fall in love again, I’ll make room in my heart for that new person, without it touching the love I have for Ed, my son, my daughter-in-law, all the people that I love,” she said.
She concluded with a final statement on love and the criticism directed at her.
“Your heart opens up because your heart can hold a lot of love. All of our hearts can. So you can’t bother me. I love Ed. Never stopped loving Ed. And my heart loves a lot,” she said.
Bertinelli and Van Halen married in 1981 and stayed married until 2007. They share a son, Wolfgang Van Halen, whom Bertinelli calls “Wolfie.” The couple remained close after the divorce, and Bertinelli has often described Van Halen as an important presence in her life. That bond has lasted well beyond the end of their marriage, which helps explain why his memory remains so central to her public posts.
Van Halen died on October 6, 2020, at age 65, after a long battle with throat cancer. He had been hospitalized in 2019 over complications from his treatment. The sixth anniversary of his death fell on October 6, 2026, the day Bertinelli posted her Instagram tribute.
Bertinelli explored the relationship further in her 2022 memoir, Enough Already: Learning to Love the Way I Am Today. The book recounts her relationship with Van Halen after their divorce and her grief following his death. It also describes the final days she and her son spent with him.
Her latest video message is consistent with that earlier openness. She has repeatedly spoken publicly about her love for her ex-husband and about grief. She has made clear that criticism will not change how she remembers him.
